hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
