I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
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i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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