Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
