Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
