I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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