I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
