It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
