I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
