Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize