I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
