I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
