I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
