oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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