Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
