just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block