You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......