I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.