If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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