I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
