Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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