Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
