sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
