All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
