I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
