went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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