new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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