I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
