Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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