I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
