After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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