Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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