If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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