When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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