If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
