I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
