Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
