Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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