You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
