Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
