i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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