hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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