the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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