You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
No stitches, just platelets and will power
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
