And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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