omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
