the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
