Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
