I'm gonna have a badass scar
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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