My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
