i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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