Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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