Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
