Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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