the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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