why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
