Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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