the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
