I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
