mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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