What a fucking waste of an outfit
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
